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a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl
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Donate a few bucks, Devon will be very grateful! Devon is poor. Devon will use your donation for food or utilities, not fancy socks or shoes. Unless you dedicate the donation to fancy socks or shoes. Devon does as you command.
If you don't want to let Devon have control of real cash money, you can buy something fabulous for Devon at Things I Want or Amazon .
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I'm in that zen state that occurs when there's a blade to your neck.
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Choice, not Chance, determines your Destiny
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Let's say you want to read some older entries. The most recent 75 entries can be reached by clicking on the "«older" link. Anything older than that, you'll need to go to the calendar and root around there.
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1033 pm
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Recent non-locked content focuses mostly on my Bipolar II diagnosis and the steps I'm taking to get better. Any sex-related content is locked; please read behind the cut if you're interested.
( New visitors may click HERE. )
(6 space pants | feel the pants)
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I feel a bit better now that I am sober - something for me to remember.
I probably will not be killing myself, but it's hard to ignore the urges sometimes. My mental illness seems to get worse and worse as I get older, so it's hard to believe that I will ever recover. I will probably end up cutting myself some more, as that helps me feel better. I was thinking just the other day about getting beautiful ocean waves tattooed on my inner arm to discourage me from cutting there.
Calling friends doesn't seem to help my mood, but I appreciate the offers.
(3 space pants | feel the pants)
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Yeah, so, I'm depressed again. Have been for about 2-3 weeks now. I doubled up my Zyprexa, hoping to shake myself out of it, but it's not working. My paranoia is partly back - the person-related paranoia, not the apocalypse paranoia. Someone I like seems to be avoiding me, always avoids me, always has avoided socializing with me and only sees me when we have to in class, and I don't know why it bugs me so much. I believe people are lying to me, they don't want me around, nobody wants to talk to me or be seen with me or have sex with me or love me or even pretend to love me. Pretending to love me would be nice, even.
So I left a party early, just as the person I mentioned arrived, and I am drinking more of what I had at the party: rum and OJ. I'm not really a sloppy drunk, but my fingers are kind of numb. On the drive home I wondered if it was the holiday making me feel worse, and I'm not sure. But I thought I might kill myself for Christmas this year. Maybe it's time. Maybe I need to call my shrink on Monday, although I don't have any idea what she can do except be supportive, and that's just not enough. I have considered electro-shock therapy before, and I would do it if it worked. I think it works. No insurance, so I will probably never get it. Just more pills from the companies that give them out for free.
edit to add:
I probably will not be killing myself, but it's hard to ignore the urges sometimes. I will probably end up cutting myself some more, as that helps me feel better. I was thinking just the other day about getting a beautiful ocean wave tattooed on my inner arm to discourage me from cutting there.
(8 space pants | feel the pants)
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Like millions of teen girls, I think I am in love with Adam Lambert. His new single/video is about him topping someone (me). Also, his eye makeup is fabulous. It's very synth-pop, but I like that well enough. Here is the sexy video which features both girls and boys pawing at and fawning over Adam. Also a snake, in case you need that kind of a warning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gx_w7fXeQ30
There's this bit about 1/4 of the way through where he makes a sweeping arm motion, and all his dancers fall to their hands and knees. It's cool. Also, when he makes that crooked smile, I get all excited and stuff, you know what I mean.
Double thanks to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) astolat for her pimping efforts - she is the first to have the newest photos or video links!
(feel the pants)
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devon: I don't share my private perversions with just anyone.
devon: only people with LJ accounts!
devon: ;D
devon: *laughs*
devon: and the FBI
(2 space pants | feel the pants)
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Icon meme below the cut. lots of little pics and some words to go along with them. Kinda fun.
sample:
( the aforementioned cut )
(1 space pant | feel the pants)
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Thinking about buying tabi boots. These are especially cool, and it's only $2 more to have them dyed instead of having to do it myself. (Dye costs more than $2.)
But also there are some cool boots on eBay. I love this brand, and I even have short sneakers of the exact same design, only in purple. I know they'll be comfortable and give some ankle support and also be cool-looking.
I missed the black boots on ebay - they got bid up too high for me.
If we suppose that I will buy only one pair of boots - the dyed ones or the black ones - which should it be?
Poll #1482123 boots
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 10Which boots do you like better? What color tabi boots? (I may draw designs on them with sharpies.)
(feel the pants)
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I would have the will to kill a planet of people, let's say 17 million people, for the man I loved, if I had such a man. Seriously, I am not joking. I read about it and felt it in my very bones: yes. I take my loyalty and devotion very seriously. I don't know to whom I will be allowed to devote myself next, but I hope he appreciates it. We Scorpios want to be appreciated for our devotion.
Story reference: Trancendental by astolat. Highest recommendations for a novella-length story. I have read it several times.
Ah, I've been drinking, but that merely lends authenticity to my entry. I see charred bones and soot as far as the eye can see. Make it not be so. Come back to me. I love you.
(3 space pants | feel the pants)
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My birthday is 10 days away now, so I thought I'd share my wishlists with all of you. Obviously I'm not so vain as to expect everyone to buy me a gift, but if you feel inclined, please do so. I also welcome second-hand stuff if you think I might like it.
Amazon.com: here
ThingsIWant: here
Sephora.com: here
Thank you for listening.
p.s. Thanks again to my secret gift-giver!
(feel the pants)
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copied entirely from the_shoshanna. I do have several Dreamwidth codes - you only have to ask or email me privately using my LJ email account.
Why might you want a Dreamwidth account? Well, you may be interested in the ethos and ideas behind Dreamwidth Studios. You may like its multiple technical and usability improvements over similar sites, its active involvement with its userbase, or its absolute and unrelenting rejection of advertising. You may like the ease with which it lets you crosspost to and manage multiple journals (and its promise to let you read all your flists in one place, on your dreamroll, though that is not yet implemented).
There are two ways to create a Dreamwidth account: buy one (for as little as $3 for a month, and you can let it lapse to free status after the month ends and still keep it forever) or create one for free using an invite code. Of course, paid accounts have more goodies attached: this page details the differences between free, paid, and premium paid account levels.
If you would like an invite code to create an account for free, I have plenty to give away; just ask! If you prefer not to ask me, there is a codesharing community on LiveJournal: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) dreamwidth. If you would like to buy an account and get the extra goodies, note that the we're-in-early-beta discount pricing levels will expire this coming Sunday, November 1! You'll still be able to pay just $3 for a month, but the cost of a year of Paid Account status will increase from $25 to $35, and the cost of a year of Premium Paid Account status will increase from $40 to $50. So if you think you might want to buy a larger chunk of paid time at Dreamwidth, why not create a free account now with a code, spend a few days exploring the system, and still have time to buy at the lower prices before they disappear?
(4 space pants | feel the pants)
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